Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
