WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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