Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
