I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
