Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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