Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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