And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
