Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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