So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
