I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
