he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
