How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were destined to go to rehab together
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
