I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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