So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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