oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
