I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
