he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
