I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Screwed.edu
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
