kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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