I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
