i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
