I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
