fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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