you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
