I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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