I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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