I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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