your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
