I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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