I cannot find my penis.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
