They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
