there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
