Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
