the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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