I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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