You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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