I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize