thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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