I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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