no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
