john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Houston, we have a blender
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
