tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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