Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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