Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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