so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
