Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
