The beer is more important than you right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
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