How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
