just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
