That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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