Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
