Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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