I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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