I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You need Xanax blowdarts
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
