just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
