I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
