I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
