That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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