she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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